Guilt after Divorce: Without a Reason, but with a Meaning

Following a divorce or separation, many people struggle with a strong sense of divorce guilt, which can be quite debilitating. Whatever the reason for the breakup, the other person’s dreams are dashed regardless of whether you are the one to start it. You may feel guilty if you are on the “damaged” side, that is, if you are the one who has been left behind, or even after an online divorce in Oregon. “What did I do wrong?” “Maybe it was my own fault?” “Maybe I wasn’t attentive/lovely/fascinating enough?” are some of the thoughts that creep into my head in the spirit of “What did I do wrong?” Alternatively, “too attentive / empathetic / patronizing.” As we all know, society and the “older generation” are frequently responsible for the proliferation of firewood.

False Guilt

The Whirlpools by James Hollis distinguishes between true and manufactured guilt. First, we realize we made a mistake, did something wrong, or damaged others. This guilt helps us spiritually and personally grow. An existential question is elusive. Humanity’s harm done to the earth, human nature, people dying of starvation, ecological disaster, and loss of fur seals are among the reasons for this guilt. Like admitting “original sin” (and, perhaps, is its atheistic counterpart).  The second type is false guilt. It always has an origin that isn’t now. We’ve been made to feel humiliated and guilty before, and now we’re being punished.

Many childhood events might lead to a distorted feeling of divorce guilt. It’s not always the term. In some cases, their treatment may be adequate. A little girl’s father connection is strained. “Leave me alone!” or “I’m weary!” he sneers at her attempts to engage him in a game or conversation. That her “nonsense” bothers him and takes his attention away from what matters. What mental pattern is the girl creating now? The kids despise Dad’s egotism. Their daughter reminds them that they married his mother during her pregnancy. To show his love? No. A young youngster cannot accurately appraise his parents. Ignored, he isn’t valued.

A father is a woman’s first male, just as a mother is a man’s. Others’ hatred of me is not always a sign of trouble. A parent’s unintentional careless words may exacerbate the problem Especially when compared to other youngsters who are neat, obedient, or talented artists. Tanya’s poised demeanor and Lenochka’s lovely handwriting would make her father swoon. They are fixed if no one can oppose or give unconditional love and approbation. The girl grows up and falls in love. Astonished at first. …and then the boy goes away, either drawn to another lady or having lost interest in her. If this is his first relationship, he may not know how to apologize. He’s trying to blame her for his lack of bravery and intelligence. Mention how she’s too anxious, stupid, or unsuited for him. It doesn’t matter. “I am not like them,” must be reiterated.

Guilty without guilt

Our culture is also ready to blame women—or, if they don’t, to blame them. “Natasha, maybe you should have kept back your character?” a friend commented after one of my friends’ ex-boyfriends was abusive and left without explanation. To put it another way, the colleague’s first explanation faults Natalia for her defects rather than her spouse’s. Even though they’ve known one other for over a month and a coworker knows Natasha isn’t a crazy person.

In these situations, guys commonly say “poor thing,” “something must be wrong with you,” or “I’m sorry.” A psychotherapist might help you understand your obsession with squeezing males. Moreover, it’s probable that underlying habits and methods prevent women from establishing their own lives. So, who knows? After all, she is unlucky. As a result, saying such things to a woman when she is already feeling bad and inadequate hurts her.

Who is guilty?

Indeed, pinning the blame for the divorce on a single individual is fundamentally wrong. Neither partner has exclusive responsibility for the quality of their relationship, which is determined by the behaviors (or lack thereof) of the other. To determine whether or not women are primarily accountable for a divorce, additional research into their responsibilities should be conducted. If a woman has a legitimate reason for her conduct, she is more inclined to place the responsibility on herself. Because of a lack of affection, I’m exhausted and worn out. This allows her to claim, “I had a lovely man, but I was unloved,” which is true. Although you may not want to date someone shortly, it is vital that you tell yourself the truth about your feelings. Frequently, a woman holds herself responsible for imitating her mother’s behavior, which allowed her to have a close relationship with her father for the remainder of her life. The mother of a young woman serves as an example of proper behavior. She sees herself as a mirror of her mother, which she attributes to her upbringing. Much later, the girl will discover that there was no need to mimic and that there is nothing to be found, but a great deal of time will have elapsed in the meanwhile. Even as adults, the humiliation these young women feel will exceed any feelings of attachment they may have for a potential mate. When a woman gets divorced, she may feel horrible, especially if she feels that she was forced to do so by her husband. A husband who accuses his wife of every big violation will ultimately persuade her to agree with him on his accusations. She may be aware that this isn’t the case, but she will be unable to fully appreciate it and will instead starve herself to death as a result of the shame she has been forced to experience. Women who suffer from the A student syndrome are prone to placing blame on themselves for their situation. Marriage is a project for her, and it must be completed beautifully for her to be happy. The marriage of an exceptional student ended in divorce because she was unable to cope with the rigors of being an exceptional student on top of everything else. She won’t even be aware that the explanation is in a different location since she was so concentrated on earning a perfect “five” that it didn’t matter where the reason was located.

How to deal with guilt?

Accept that divorce is your reality. You married someone with particular beliefs. It’s common for your opinions and the person next to you to change. Don’t blame yourself and consider what may have been done to avoid divorce. You acted in accordance with our inner world at the time.

Don’t berate yourself for it. This is your past, not mine. You are a person because of this. Do not blame yourself for not listening to your mother or loved ones; each individual must choose his path, based only on his decisions.

Make no excuses for not being rescued. Relationships are two-person contributions. The alternative is to continually glue, mend, and patch enormous holes. Of course, you cannot blame yourself for the children’s fatherlessness. If only the children grew up in a whole family, it would be the worst thing you could do with your life. Isn’t this the kind of example you want to set for your kids?

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x